The Incident

Teaching is hard. Teenagers are emotional. I am human. These are statements that keep going through my head after what happened yesterday.

After being cursed out...(use your imagination), my student continued to yell at me, call me stupid, referred to me making him feel stupid, and I believe there were other things he yelled. As he yelled, I stayed calm, I took deep breathes. I tried to diffuse the situation. I didn't. What scared me was that when I asked him to stay in the hall, he followed me into the room. I was sincerely scared at that point. The teenager in question was a lot bigger than me. Once my adrenaline was pumping, there was no turning back. Thank God, there was only 3 minutes left in class. As I replay the situation for the millionth time in my head, I see how I could have changed it. This is the part of teaching that no one prepares you for. Even with my prior experience with situations like this doesn't really help. It's hard not to yell back at the student. It's hard not to slam the door in his face. It's hard to not feed into the emotions of a child.

Last weekend, I realized that my 12-14 hour days continue. I feel this pressure, probably self imposed, to do my best everyday. Where the grace that I am suppose to give myself, when the best doesn't happen? Where's the balance here?

I have never worked this hard in my life. I don't know how to work faster, better, or smarter. This is the best work I've ever done in my life. Even in the midst of an awful day yesterday, my mind is running to what I can change. How can I relate to the student that yells at me? How do I win that class back? How do I tell the students text messages are not important during the 90 minutes they are with me? How do I convince the student with social anxiety that the class likes him? How do I encourage a student that because things are hard doesn't mean that you should give up easily? How do I let my honors physics students realize that physics is hard and not every one gets an A?

To be honest, I think the incident yesterday makes me want to be better. If I plan better, grade fairer, I will win over my classes. I don't know how I am doing it. I work 12-14 hours each day. On the weekend I am working 3 - 8 hours each Saturday and Sunday...getting ready for my classes or grading. I keep thinking that sometime life will ease up, but I don't know when.

Ok, so what now.

Recently a friend mentioned that it's been cool to see God's hand prints on my life. As I have been transitioning for the past couple of months...it's been hard to stay focused. I do believe that this has been guided by God, but I found myself wondering last night and today. "Now what?"

In no means do I feel I am even close to being done, but I am sort of at this place where major change has happened and I am beginning to settle in. It's not disappointing, my life is really good. Although I almost feel a sense of loss, now that I know that I am suppose to be teaching. Which really makes me wonder what is it that I feel loss about.

I am a big advocate of plans. I came up with this saying a couple of years ago. "Just because you can't predict the future, doesn't mean you have to live aimlessly in the present." (That's a Jane original...sometimes I astound myself when words fly out of my mouth) During "The Transition," I really turned to God and felt led by my faith. I wonder if I have lost that. Right now I have a plan for this year and am beginning to make plans for next year. (National Board Certification...more about that later). Did I pray about that or did I just hope that my thoughts are lined up with God's plan for me? Am I where I am suppose to be in all the parts of my life? I feel confident I am in the right job, but as for the rest...I don't feel as confident.